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Craft Rage

...Making a mess of things since 1973


Stupid Dummy

My dress dummy, Clarice, is being a jerk.

I know exactly what's wrong with her, but frankly, I don't care.

It's not appropriate for ME to bring MY personal problems to work, so honestly, I don't understand why it's okay for her.

I know it can be hard to break up with someone, but everyone could see that the vacuum cleaner was just using her for...well... you know. What do all vacuum cleaners want, you know??!! I mean, really, what more can you expect! He sucks up cat dander for a living. He's not exactly the Prince of Wales. Or Colin Firth, who is much hotter than the Prince of Wales.

And anyway, the point is, he's gone now. Gone to be with the cat tree in the living room.

I know, I know. It's hard, knowing that he's just out there, living his life with someone else, but what are you going to do, lay around doing nothing all day? You need to sort yourself out, get over him. I've seen the way the shelf looks at you, like it can see right through your cover and into your plastic innards. That has to make you feel good, even if the shelf isn't quite your type. All I ask is that you don't toy with him.

What's that? You've got a tough life? Yes, yes, anyone can reel off the litany of problems in your life, Clarice.

You're fat. Hey, so am I! You should be glad that at least you've still got a waist, like I am!

You're headless. Well, that does kind of suck, but it's not like you ever had a head before, so that can hardly be an issue now. And no, your lack of a head is NOT what made the vacuum cleaner break up with you, because, hello? The cat tree has no head, either.

You have no arms. Again, suckfest. I get it. But again, the cat tree is in the same boat. And so is that guy from the One video. The point is, we all have to work with the gifts we are given. You have the skinniest leg I have EVER seen! And it's adjustable! How cool is that?! If you want to be tall, you get to be tall. If you want to try short on for size, well, no problem! Although, Clarice, honey, to be honest, short isn't a good look for you. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Life is about making lemonade out of lemons, and that kind of crap. Not that you'd want to make lemonade out of crap, because then it wouldn't be lemonade, it would be crapade, and who would drink it. You get my point, though. Make the best of what you've got! See the positive!

Just because you FEEL like your life is over doesn't mean it IS over.

Suck it up, Clarice.

Pull up your right boob, and for crying out loud, tuck that sock back up your backside - I need it to make the back of my dress hang right!

When you're miserable, I'm miserable. I'm making my WEDDING DRESS MUSLIN, here, I can't afford to be miserable. Chip in and do YOUR part, why don't you!


If you HAD arms, I would make you do the ironing, so really, your lack of limbs is kind of a plus for you.


I want my green shirt back.

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